Day 7 of 2022
Now adays everyone is about self-love and acceptance. But I just can’t grasp it. I’m not comfortable in my own skin to love myself. As a Partner with Pure Romance, I try and be as positive as I can but sometimes, I just can’t even put a smile on my face.
I mentioned a lot of physical features that I hate about my appearance. I also have a lot of dark spaces in my mental capacity that could use some love. Since I had kids, my body has not been the same. But I swear, the day I hit thirty, I just felt the difference. And with one kid under my belt, I felt defeated.
Before I gave birth to my first daughter, Avory, I was an average of 155 lbs. Before Avory, there were times when I lived off coffee, Red Bull and hotel breakfast scraps which would settle my weight around 150. Then there would be weeks that I would be able to eat three meals a day, order in, snack all day and consume so much alcohol I didn’t care about a thing which would put me closer to 160. Regardless of what I consumed, my ass was round (tiny but round), my chest was still perky, my stomach was never flat but I didn’t have this mom belly, my skin was normal, my hair wasn’t falling out, my thighs were actually a sexy feature, and I had energy!
In all honesty, I never thought I was even going to have kids. I would hold babies like how Rachel holds Ben in Friends. Out away from my body like I was going to catch something from it 🤣
After I gave birth to Avory and my body finally settled, I really started to hate my body. I averaged the weight I am now. I’m stuck around this 185. This is what happened last time when I was Weight Watchers. I was stuck in the 180’s for a while. I was still tracking and still running so I never had a significant gain. But once I broke out of 180, it was like the pounds melted off and next thing I knew I was at 160.
But I didn’t start Weight Watchers after Avory. I kind of, sort of became comfortable in the weight I was at, and I always made the excuse that there was never time for me to exercise or take care of myself. It wasn’t until after my second daughter, Emma, that shot me into the 200’s that made me really uncomfortable. I was getting winded just going up and down the stairs. My body finally settled at 217 lbs. I always told myself that I would never allow myself to weigh over 200. Be there I was. Nothing fit. Leggings were uncomfortable. Shoes were too tight. Hoodies! Hoodies were too snug. I hated it more than ever.
So I made the decision I needed to lose the weight and get in shape for Avory and Emma. Not even myself. I stopped taking pictures of myself. I made sure I was never in a picture. If Angel ever got a picture of me, I’d make sure he deleted it. I hated seeing myself. I started Weight Watchers June 1, 2019. I even tracked my points when I was in Puerto Rico for a week! AND I woke up every day and ran! I never ever thought I would do such a thing. But I was just over a month in and went from 217 to 189. The first 20 or so pounds fell off fast.
By the end of October, I was at 160. Just 10 pounds shy of my goal weight 150. It was extremely easy to put the weight back on. And I hated every bite. But I love food. And sweets. And I have two kids that when they don’t finish their chicken nuggets, I would consume them or the ice cream or the candy or the mac and cheese or the pasta.
SO, that is more of my weight loss journey. Now I am at 189 and my goal weight is 150 again. I’m tracking every crumb or drop that I consume. Once I start running again, I know I’ll feel even better. Let’s be more positive with the next post, huh?